Generational cycles are really a thing. No matter your race or ethnic background, every person who has had some aspects of their childhood that they’d rather forget, has at least said, “When I have kids I’m going to do it this way!” So seriously, how’s that working out for you? I was raised by my mother, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call her a ‘single mother.’ Let her tell it, she did it all by herself, but my dad was VERY involved, like he never missed a thing, involved. So although my parents weren’t together, I never felt slighted or that I was missing out. He was there.
My mother suffered a lot when I was a kid. Our relationship has taken a toll because of it. She doesn’t think so, but I swear she lives in a fantasy land. As an adult, I can look back and see the role that I played in some of the things that went down. I snuck out, a lot. My mother was struggling with her mental health really bad when I was in high school so she used to take sleeping medication. As soon as she was out, so was I. I wanted to spend as much time with my friends and whatever boy I was trying to hump at that time. But this ain’t about my promiscuity. I’ll tackle that later *wink*. For the majority of my childhood, my mother used to never leave her bed. She spent morning, noon and night there. As a kid, you don’t really understand why your parent doesn’t want to interact with you. I remember she’d tell me to go play by myself and she’d just sleep. FOREVER.
As I got older and started struggling with my own mental health, I realized that I had begun to parent the same way, from the bed. I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. It just wasn’t natural for me. My mother wasn’t the arts and crafts type. We didn’t have company and playdates always consisted of me going to someone else’s house. The curtains were always closed and the answer was always ‘NO’ if I wanted to have people over. With my kids, I realized that’s exactly how I was. I was envious of my friends that had parents that liked to do stuff or always had people over. My friend’s parents were always smiling and just seemed so nice. I always wondered why that wasn’t my mom. Don’t get me wrong, she had moments. I guess moments of happiness when she would take me to a restaurant or buy me stuff, but the quality time, it lacked.
When I started this #selfcare journey at the beginning of quarantine, I decided to try and tackle this issue head on. I’m consciously making a decision to get out of bed and interact with my kids. Of course, I think they know that I love them and would die for them, but they need to SEE it. They need to see me be the very best ‘ME’ that I can be. This is hard. Like really hard. I’m hoping that by being more active and spending more time with them that I’m able to break this cycle, curse, what ever you want to label it. Motherhood is the greatest gift that I’ve ever been blessed with and they deserve the world. I’m determined to give it to them.
Mental health is no joke, man. Seriously. I struggle every single day with anxiety and how to just feel BETTER. My weight has always been something that has played on my mental health. I was always the ‘big girl with the cute face and freckles.’ Please, don’t say that to anyone else ever. It doesn’t sound as good as you meant and it only aggravates me even more. There are very few people who know that I suffer from debilitating anxiety. I was first diagnosed in high school when I suddenly started skipping school, daily, and flunked ninth grade math. I was a pretty great student and took pride in my schoolwork. I had to be the best, but when high school and all of those teenage pressures….it was over after that. As an adult, I’m more aware of my moods and how I can negatively project onto others. But I’ve also developed this IDGAF attitude towards any and everyone that doesn’t bring me peace. People that were in my wedding I don’t even speak to. The drama of everyone else had to be the first thing to go.