So Anxious, But Not Like Ginuwine

Anxiety overload! I’ve worked in corporate America for 15 years+ in various retail banking roles. Pretty much, when you walk in your local branch and see someone who works there, that has been me at some point or another. I’ve been a teller all the way up to a Branch Manager, my current position. This position has by far, been the most challenging of my career.

I am NOT a job hopper. I remember hearing from my father that companies want loyalty and when you find a good paying job, you keep it, no matter what. So that’s me. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last almost ten years I’ve been with the company. I’ve seen mergers and acquisitions, sales goals and the elimination of sales goals. Scandals and lawsuits that I could write a book about, seriously. The scandals honey…..would make your grandmother blush. Needless to say, I take extreme pride in my work and my work ethic. I’m going to give it my all….until I don’t.

A couple years back I moved South and had the amazing opportunity to be able to transfer my job. I actually got a promotion to go along with it. It seemed like I was all set. So what changed? The environment I came into became toxic. It is absolutely true what they say. When you transfer to a different region or market, although within the same company, the interpretation of policies and accountability definitely shift. I am still the same person, doing the same things, attempting to get the same results, but why isn’t this working out for me?

Talk about burnt out! I realized some months back that the management style that my manager had wasn’t working well for me. I am NOT a person you can talk at and then expect me to do what you said. You gotta SHOW me, like hands on SHOW ME. Once I’ve got it, I got it. My manager just doesn’t seem to understand me and we clash, often. I ask questions and speak up in meetings. I’ve got to understand what’s going on. How else can O effectively communicate it to my team? How else can I effectively coach it if I don’t get it. Didn’t matter. This style is something that was puzzling to me. I realized that I began looking forward to vacation days a lot more and being away from ‘that place.’

Quarantine has allowed me a lot of time to self assess what’s truly important. Although I absolutely LOVE the company I work for and the people I’ve met, the unfortunate ‘face of the market’, my manager, doesn’t give me the warm feeling that I am appreciated. And it sucks, because I’ve worked my ass off and absolutely deserved this opportunity. It’s unfortunate that these last few years have truly changed my opinion and have even made me look elsewhere.

My time at home is winding down and I’m dreading going back. I am typically tied to my work and career advancement has always been something important to me, but now, I’m seeing things differently. My peace of mind and sanity are way more important than killing myself for a job. I know that if I leave they will fill my position before I’m even in the ground. And that’s just the reality of it. They’re not going to check in on my family nor will they say ‘Here Here! Let’s retire this position in honor of Keli.’ I’m not that stupid (and you better not be either). My anxiety has me worrying about all of the drama and crap that I’ve missed since being home.

I’m definitely not looking forward to seeing my manager whenever they decide to pop in because I know not-so-secretly they’re mad I’m home in the first place. But the peace that I’ve found and the coping techniques that I’ve acquired since being home are the tools that I’m going to take with me when I return. Thank goodness I can write from my phone! Without the cathartic goodness that is writing, I’d be lost. Everyday is about putting one foot in front of the other and not giving up. Because I know my anxiety is on high alert, I’m doing everything in my power to stay above it.

I know what’s at stake: Me. And I’m totally worth it, just saying.

Published by The Freckled Beauty Named Kels

About me? That's vague and this is a tiny box. My name is Keli and I've been married for 8 years. We have three kids and are navigating the fun times of being new to a state and learning the BIG differences in navigating life with three VERY DISTINCT personalities

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